Dear Abby: I haven’t spoken to my absent father in 40 years. How can I support siblings as he nears death?

DEAR ABBY: My father divorced my mother when I was 7. He was never around much prior to their divorce. They married young, and I have three siblings. My parents “had” to get married (those were the times), so it wasn’t a happy union. Dad was self- absorbed and immature. He moved out of state, never supported us and sat on the sidelines, watching us flounder.

My mother worked three jobs during my whole childhood. She was the best parent you could imagine, but it was a real struggle for all of us. In a way, we were blessed that he left. Two of my siblings maintained a relationship with this man, who later in life remarried and had two more children. I have never understood how they could forgive him, but they must have.

My father is 86 now. Years ago, he moved back to where we grew up. He is dying and has two to six months to live. It is a strange feeling, and I have sympathy for what my siblings have been going through. How do I support them?

I haven’t spoken to my father in 40 years, and we never speak of him to each other. I can never forgive him for what he did to me and my mother. Of course, I will know when he passes. I want to be sincere and support my siblings. — EMPATHETIC IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR EMPATHETIC: No one can predict how the death of a parent will affect them, and that includes you. Don’t be surprised if it comes as a jolt. You do not have to mourn your father’s death in order to be sensitive to your siblings’ feelings. Often, it’s helpful just to be a good listener and help with whatever details need to be attended to if asked.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at


www.DearAbby.com


or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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