Asking Eric: Is life too short to spend a lot of time with boring friend?

Dear Eric: A couple of years ago I reconnected with a high school friend. We are in our 60s. We occasionally get together for coffee or dinner, but I find myself making excuses not to meet. This woman, I’ll call her Sue, has never married, never had children, has no grandchildren and now has retired. She reaches out incessantly asking to go shopping, see a movie, dinner.

Unfortunately, I find Sue very boring, I struggle trying to keep the conversation going but it’s tough. I’m beginning to dread these get-togethers. I still work and if I have any time off, I’d rather spend it with my grandchildren. I have offered suggestions of local volunteer opportunities, but she doesn’t seem interested. I’m on the verge of ghosting her but that’s not my nature. Am I being too selfish?

– Lousy Friend

Dear Friend: I don’t think you’re being selfish, and I don’t think you’re the lousy friend you characterized yourself as. Sometimes people misalign. You’re to be commended for trying to find creative ways to have meaningful interactions with Sue, i.e., the volunteering. And she’s to be commended for reaching out and trying to maintain connections. That can be hard; friendship isn’t always easy.

Unfortunately, what you want and what she wants are diverging. You don’t need to make yourself miserable.

Sometimes, kind and direct is better than ghosting, however. Try telling Sue that you’re not as available for social outings as you have been, because you want to spend time with your grandchildren and other parts of your life.

Perhaps raise the possibility of volunteering together again, if you’d like. It’s good to ask a friend for connection, and I hope Sue keeps reaching out to others and building her social network. But it’s also fine to moderate how much connection you can give.

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R. Eric Thomas

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