Asking Eric: Care of gravesites was a family tradition. Now it’s fallen to just 1 member

Dear Eric: As kids we went to the cemeteries with our parents and grandparents every year before Memorial Day.

There are three cemeteries with family members, and I remember all of us working on each plot every year – planting flowers, digging, weeding then going out for lunch. All this takes preparation then daily/weekly care.

Now our parents and grandparents and others are buried, and I am the only one of the five kids who decorates and cares for the graves.

My kids and their spouses and children joined my wife and I to prepare the sites and planted some perennials. Now the sites still need hanging plants and other flowers and watering often and weeding occasionally. This happens every year. It sure makes me sad to go there and see nothing has been done except by me.

I guess I don’t feel I should have to ask for help. It is expensive and time consuming. We sure would love to see flourishing plants and no weeds.

– Tired of Tending

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R. Eric Thomas

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Dear Tired: This is a beautiful tradition for these sites of memory, and it clearly holds a lot of meaning for you. It’s great that you’ve involved your children and grandchildren, as well, to keep the tradition alive.

Sometimes, when we have a need that’s gone unmet, the only way forward is to ask for it. So, while you shouldn’t have to ask for help, doing so may ease your stress. It may also alert your siblings to an opportunity for service that has slipped their minds. While this is a longstanding tradition in your family, it’s possible it doesn’t hold the same weight for your siblings as it does for you. So, talking to them about what it means to you and asking for their support could be an invitation for them to dig deeper, as it were.

Now, when you do this, you should also be prepared for the possibility that the extensive work you do planting and maintaining the plots isn’t something that they want to take on. They may prefer a more trimmed back horticultural plan. Everyone commemorates their loved ones in different ways. Try to be open to smaller tasks that they might take on as well.

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