Asking Eric: I miss my adult son I’ve not seen in 3 years. Can I just go visit him without permission?

To Eric, I am sixty-one years old, and my son, thirty, and his fiancé reside on the East Coast.

My kid moved out of state after living with me till he was twenty years old. We both acknowledge that spending too much time together makes us nuts, but we also express our affection for one another. Simply said, we are both highly independent. I have no idea why I should go see him.

Three years will have passed since I last saw him in November, and I still miss him. Before I call, I text him to check whether it’s a good time. Most of the time, he doesn’t text me back, but occasionally he does. When we do talk, there is no anger. He has been dating this woman for eight years, and they recently got engaged. I mailed him my diamond ring when he expressed his desire to pop the question.

He promises to get back to me when I ask him to tell me when would be a good time for me to visit, but he never does. He said that it’s not that he doesn’t want me to come, but that he’s now so busy that he can’t make it. I’ve also informed them that I want to stay at a hotel close by. Due to the recent death of her father, he and his fiancée are currently living with her mother. According to his fiancée, she would like me to come and discuss the wedding details.

Should I just notify him when I’ll be arriving and make the necessary arrangements? Until he mentions it, should I just forget about going? While I don’t want to be intrusive, I also don’t want to be careless.

Mom is missed.

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To Mom: Sometimes it’s safe to trust that everyone is doing their best, especially in relationships with love at the core and thorny edges. As a result, you can potentially function with less anxiety and from a place of love and giving.

In this situation, you may need to assume that your kid is sincere when he says he wants you to come, but that he is also having trouble with the details. Additionally, your son ought to be able to see you, come see you, and spend quality time with you. He has to put some effort into that. However, by being there, you can demonstrate your love for him and lead by example.

Due to his current living situation and the loss of his fiancé’s family, he might not be able to provide hospitality at this time. You’ve gone out of your way to make this an easy yes, so I know you’re not asking for anything. You are both not at fault.

Therefore, I believe you should plan a nice touring itinerary, let him know you’ll be in town, and express your want to visit him and his fiancé as much as their schedules permit. If you don’t already have his fiancée’s number, you could even ask him to put you in touch with her so you can arrange a lunch date. This conduct is not intrusive. It’s so kind and giving of you.

For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at ateric@askingeric.com or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.

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