Dear Annie: Stepdad strives to be a better parent than he had growing up

Annie: You’ve conquered the obstacles you’ve encountered and are working to surpass your parents.Adobe Cavan: stock.adobe.com

To Annie, please: I am a 44-year-old man with autism who resides in Montana. The woman I am happily connected with has five children, ages 12 to 24. I have a question regarding overcoming bad habits. Even after I acknowledged my shortcomings and failures, my family frequently harbored resentment toward me as a child because of my prior transgressions. I now find myself clinging to my stepchildren’s errors for longer than is appropriate.

Everyone claims that I am a nobody because I have autism and am crippled. However, I am currently completing my doctoral studies in psychology. I’m completely perplexed. I’m attempting to understand my true self and my desired future self. How can that cycle be broken? How do I quit doing the same things that I was taught growing up? — Perplexed in Montana

To the Confused: You are not a nobody, to start. You are a mom, a spouse, and you are almost finished with your doctorate. Despite the difficulties you have encountered, you have persevered in your efforts to improve upon who you were yesterday and to surpass your parents. It requires strength.

It speaks a lot if you are aware of this habit and want to alter it. Well done; most people can’t even achieve that. Being aware is a good thing, but go one step farther. Keep in mind to keep the grief of your childhood apart from the present when you find yourself losing patience or clinging to your stepchildren’s missteps. Your children are deserving of the kindness, understanding, and acceptance you were denied.

You can be the person for these children you never had, even though you can’t change your history. It sounds like you are already.