Asking Eric: How can I respond when husband says, ‘You just look for reasons to be mad at me’?

To Eric, My spouse frequently uses the phrase, “You just look for reasons to be mad at me,” to end arguments with me.

I find it very degrading.

Additionally, it absolves him of accountability because he is not required to take any action if my complaints are merely hypothetical.

We don’t have many arguments, but when we do, we don’t go far.

I’d want to see greater comprehension. Are you able to offer some guidance?

Weary of Fighting

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To Tired, You’re exactly right: it shifts the blame away from him and places the blame and issue for his actions on you. Using “I” phrases to convey this to him at a calm moment is beneficial. When he says it, describe how it feels and how you would like it to be different.

The major catch is that you might even claim that this is the reason you’re angry with him. The problem with being angry with a partner is that you don’t always need to seek it out. And that’s okay because we’re only human and don’t always agree. Even if he disagrees, he is giving you more grounds for anger if he is unable to accept the validity of your sentiments. To make matters worse, he is sabotaging you.

This style of argumentation is unhealthy. In couples therapy, addressing this issue helps many couples. Going into therapy with the declared goal of improving one’s ability to argue may seem a bit backwards. However, getting to a point where you never argue isn’t the only goal of therapy. It’s about bringing you to a point where disagreements are based on constructive, transparent communication so that you can overcome them rather than become mired in them.

He is grabbing hold of a story about you that is trapping you both. It will be easier to unravel the story and create a new one if you discuss your dispute process with a therapist.

For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at ateric@askingeric.com or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.

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