Asking Eric: Heirloom headaches cause drama in 2 families

To Eric, My wife, who had no biological children of her own, gave a diamond tennis bracelet and diamond stud earrings to her niece when we revised our wills. My wife received a pancreatic cancer diagnosis later that month, and she would pass away 19 months later. Our daily ally while we negotiated the complex world of cancer treatment was my daughter, my wife’s stepdaughter, who works as a radiation oncologist.

My wife’s niece got engaged shortly after her diagnosis, and she wished for her to live long enough for us to attend her niece’s wedding, which we accomplished. Other than paying her a visit during her last two weeks with her parents, seeming bored the entire time, the niece never contacted her aunt during my wife’s illness that I am aware of.

I organized a two-day celebration of life that year. I requested RSVPs and sent out invitations. Although they were aware of the celebration of life even before the pregnancy was announced, the niece’s mother informed me that they (my wife’s brother, his wife, and the niece) would regrettably be unable to attend because the niece was pregnant and the second day of the celebration coincided with the day they chose to have the reveal party for the new baby.

Even though my wife had named her niece as the beneficiary of the bracelet and earrings, I would still like to give them to our daughter because I still have full power over the will. She was there every day for my wife, and she was very grateful for that. I firmly believe that if my wife had known how badly her niece had behaved both during her illness and after her death, she would have wanted our daughter to have those things as well. So, should I follow my wife’s intentions as stated before she became ill or do what I believe she would have wanted based on the niece’s actions both during and after her illness?

Lost Inheritance

To Inheritance, Respect your wife’s desires. Refusing to give your wife the bracelet won’t change the past or accomplish what you truly want, which is to let her give the niece her love. I assume that you can gift your daughter other stuff from your wife’s estate. Additionally, I hope your daughter understands the significance of her presence to you and your wife during her illness. Telling her again won’t hurt.

However, see the tennis bracelet as a present that is offered freely and without expecting anything in return. Your wife cherished her niece. Theirs was a special relationship, like all others. You might not be fully aware of everything. However, even if you do, have faith in your wife’s emotions. The niece is not exonerated only because she received the bracelet. However, you may promote more of the beauty your wife brought into the world by respecting her wants.

Stories by

R. Eric Thomas

• Asking Eric: DIL had huge 40th birthday bash. We watched their dog while they enjoyed themselves

  

  Thunderstorms with marble-sized hail in Wallowa County Thursday – gusts up to 40 mph

• Asking Eric: Wife seeks compromise to cut down on husband s abundant gift giving

• Asking Eric: Mom with dementia continues to overstep physical boundaries. I don t want to see her again

To Eric, Favoritism is a terrible problem in my husband’s family. As the oldest, he was overlooked by his mother, who gave her second son everything of value. As though to indicate that my husband was somehow ineligible, my mother-in-law put on a dreadful show by slamming her nicer silver on the younger brother.

As a result, even though I felt defrauded of the customary silver heirlooms we were promised, I created my own serving pieces. His mother has turned into a thief and uses stealing from us as a way to lift her spirits, which is our problem. She makes it apparent that she views herself as both judge and jury: we don’t deserve our own store-bought goods, just as we didn’t deserve her passalongs.

How does one handle such a bad egg? She doesn’t want a sou between us—or me, as the worthless daughter-in-law! We are taking preventative measures against identity and money theft. There should be no restrictions on how we might use our consolation silver.

For Spite, silver

To Silver, please: I don’t want to seem corny, but going out to dine with your mother-in-law is your best option. In this manner, you won’t be the victim of her theft, and I doubt a restaurant manager will overlook it.

Setting boundaries is the best line of action when we are unable to stop familial toxicity. Although those boundaries are frequently emotional, I believe that physical boundaries can also be helpful in this situation. In addition to causing emotional turmoil within the family, your mother-in-law is also committing crimes in your house. Don’t give her the chance. Sometimes a neutral setting is the ideal location to meet, just as with any other hostage-taker, emotional or not.

For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at ateric@askingeric.com or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.

About The Author