Ask Anna: My girlfriend uses AI, not me, for emotional support

To Anna, please:After eight months of dating, I’m beginning to feel like I’m vying for her attention—not in the manner you might think—by using her phone. She has developed a fascination with AI chatbots. I initially assumed it was a novelty, but now her first reaction is to open the app and begin texting away rather of speaking to me when she’s anxious about her job, angry with her family, or even thrilled about anything.

She spent forty minutes chatting to this AI about her thoughts last week when she was suffering a panic attack over a presentation, rather than allowing me to console her. Later, when I questioned her about it, she stated she enjoys the conversations because, unlike with people, she doesn’t feel judged. Me? I know it’s absurd to be envious of AI, but I’m actually concerned that she’s substituting this algorithm that only gives her what she wants to hear for genuine human interaction. Is this a real issue, or am I exaggerating? Am I failing to provide for her emotional needs? Being defeated by a bot

To LTB,You’re not being absurd. Even if it has to do with technology, this is a real relationship problem that most of us are still learning how to handle. Your girlfriend has discovered a more easy and safe way to express her emotions than interacting with people. It’s not only her. It seems to be a thing, especially with Gen Z. The true problem, though, is that it’s causing a rift between you two.

AI chatbots are clearly appealing because they are always present, never weary of listening, and don’t have their own emotions or bad days to deal with. It’s like having a therapist who never questions you or pushes you if you struggle with feeling judged. What a blessing! However, that’s also the issue; genuine partnerships require growth and include friction.

The important thing is your girlfriend’s statement that she doesn’t feel judged. She’s telling you that, whether you realize it or not, she’s noticing criticism or judgment in some of your interactions. This doesn’t necessarily indicate you’re doing anything incorrectly, but it’s worth considering how you react when she confides in you about her issues. Are you quick to find answers? Become irritated when she constantly vents about the same problems? When all she wants is to be heard, give her advice?

You’ll need to speak with her directly about her needs in order to figure this out. Tell her you’ve noticed she appears more at ease sharing with the chatbot than with you, and instead of concentrating on the AI, ask her what would make her feel more supported in your relationship. Perhaps she needs confirmation that her fear doesn’t bother you, or maybe she just needs you to listen without making suggestions.

You might also propose certain restrictions on the usage of AI, not because it’s bad per se, but rather because it’s taking the place of the emotional bond you’re attempting to develop with each other. There will be less opportunities for you two to form that deeper bond if she is using an algorithm during her most vulnerable moments.

After you’ve made these changes, if she still can’t be emotionally present with you, it may be a sign that she’s not ready for a relationship or isn’t ready to go further right now. You can’t cure her because some people aren’t prepared for the messiness and vulnerability that come with a long-term human connection.

TL;DR: You should concentrate on becoming the kind of partner who makes human connection feel worth the risk, even though you’re not competing with the AI.

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(Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist who responds to queries from readers around dating, sex, and love. Send your inquiries to redeyedating@gmail.com (anonymity assured), subscribe to her sporadic (but fantastic) newsletter, or read her novels!

Tribune Content Agency, LLC in 2025.