Asking Eric: Casual friends’ perfunctory well-wishes are just annoying at this point

Dear Eric: I have two casual friends who long ago moved to different parts of the country, but who have sent me messages every couple of months for many years. These are not friends I would ever visit or even call on the phone, and they seem to feel the same.

They have written that they “want to keep in touch,” yet their messages contain nothing more than a greeting followed by a perfunctory response, like “been busy,” when I ask what they’ve been up to.

I used to offer details about work, my hobbies, my spouse, and where I’ve traveled on vacations, without acknowledgment or reciprocation on their part. Frankly, I don’t see this as keeping in touch at all. Would it be rude, after all these years, to stop writing them back?

– Why Bother

Dear Why Bother: Some people, especially in the age of a quick text message or email, are satisfied with a simple greeting. Others, like yourself (and me, frankly), want a little more substance in the correspondence.

The sentiment is lovely, true, but if it’s feeling more empty than fulfilling for you, it’s fine to pivot.

You have a few options. You can reply with equally perfunctory well-wishes, thereby managing your expectations of the friendship and avoiding resentment. You can, as you suggested, let it peter out by not replying. Or you can address it directly – “I’d love to hear more about what’s going on with you. Care to give me an update?”

In answer to your question, I don’t think it’s especially rude to let the sporadic texts go unanswered, but it does leave a loose social thread. Better, sometimes, to say what’s on your mind.

Stories by

R. Eric Thomas

Asking Eric: Adult siblings’ feud makes their anger at each other the whole family’s problem

• Asking Eric: Is life too short to spend a lot of time with boring friend?

• Asking Eric: Is it goody-two-shoe’s responsibility to fix relationship with alcoholic sister?

• Asking Eric: Remember ‘friends don’t let friends drive drunk’? Still rings true today

Dear Eric: I have some advice for the person who took her mother-in-law on a girls trip and her mother-in-law complained the whole time (“Trip Gone Wrong”).

My own MIL was very passive-aggressive in a similar way. I spent 35 years trying to please her and it never worked. Finally, in year 36, I decided to stop bending over backwards trying to please her.

I finally realized I had to accept the type of person she was, and I created an atmosphere of cordiality that worked for me.

– New Peace

Dear New Peace: This is so wise. We can’t change others, but we can change how we respond to the actions of others.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at


eric@askingeric.com


or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on


Instagram


and sign up for his weekly newsletter at


rericthomas.com


.

About The Author