Asking Eric: Foster advocate explains missed connections that cause struggles for adoptees

Dear Eric: I would add something to your good response to Beleaguered Mom.

Her daughter went through substance abuse and self-destructive behaviors as a teen. In her early 20’s she was close with her adoptive Mom. Things went “sideways” shortly after Mom and Dad left to sail around the world.

I worked in treatment foster care for 12 years as a social worker and program director. Sadly, it is not uncommon for adoptees to struggle to come to grips with why their biological parents couldn’t or wouldn’t care for them, or ask “Who am I really?” or “Will I end up like them?”

Mom’s reference to the daughter’s biological parents’ “history of mental illness and substance abuse” is a red herring. Despite extensive research, geneticists cannot point to any genes – singly or in combination – that significantly correlate with “mental illness.” Mary’s behavior is better explained by her struggles with adoption, than by genetics.

A clear thread appears to run through Mom’s account: Mary struggles as a teen with adoption issues; she recovers with Mom’s support; Mom, having become very close with Mary, literally goes “to the other side of the world” and Mary lashes out at her for removing a crucial part of her support system, just when she finally felt secure.

No wonder Mary exploded at Mom for her bland suggestion that she see a therapist. What Mary really wants is closeness with an essential part of her support system that helped her emerge from the other side of her drug and self-destruction crisis.

Mom could, as you suggested, use therapy. Grasping how important she truly is to her daughter could help her to deal with Mary’s outbursts, and to find ways to reassure her daughter that she will always be there for her.

– Family Care

Dear Family: Thank you for this insight. The inner workings of a family system can be so complicated. We impact each other in ways of which we’re often quite unaware.

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