Asking Eric: How can I make demonstrative friend understand she can’t go around hugging everyone?

Dear Eric: My neighbors and clerks in our local grocery store know I hang out with “Patty.” Sometimes Patty and I shop together. She’s very friendly and gives each cashier and bagger a hug. As a former cashier myself, I’ve told her not to do that. Also, she’s worn the same outfit for more than a month and smells. I’ve never seen her do laundry in our building’s laundry room.

Two employees told me that the manager (who is very nice to me) is on the verge of kicking her out.

She doesn’t have a car, so it’d be rough on her. Should I tell her it’s serious that she may not be allowed in there if she doesn’t tone it down?

– Hugger’s Friend

Dear Friend: Yes. It’s the helpful thing to do and it might lead to a conversation about what else is going on with Patty. The hugging may be a personality quirk, but not doing laundry for a month suggests that there is a problem in her life – economic, emotional, mental or logistical – that’s keeping her from maintaining healthy habits.

Talk to her about the store and then ask her, without judgment, if she needs help. Point out what you’ve noticed and, if need be, help her see how these things might be keeping her from the life she wants.

If you find yourself out of your depth, offer to go with her to her doctor to talk about what’s going on or bring a mutual friend. Your intervention could help Patty avoid something much worse.

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Dear Eric: I play cards weekly with a group. One of the women sometimes chews gum during our games, noisily and with her mouth open. This is worse than fingernails on a chalkboard to me. Why do otherwise well-mannered people think open-mouth chewing is socially acceptable? What do you suggest, do I say something to her?

– Quiet Please

Dear Quiet Please: Absolutely. She may not realize she’s doing it. So, by telling her that the noisiness bothers you, you give her the opportunity to make a change. Many people don’t like noisy chewing. Some people have misophonia, a disorder of decreased tolerance to specific sounds; others simply can’t stand the sound. The card game is a weekly shared social space, so ask for what you need to continue to enjoy the time.

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