Asking Eric: I’m happy my friends formed a band, but I’d rather not be their groupie

Dear Eric: Since retiring, some friends have put together a band. I went to one of their gigs a couple years ago, and recently a practice session.

They would clearly like me to go to more, or all, of their gigs. The gigs are typically at night, an hour from where I live. I am a morning person. After years of commuting, I am happy to drive as little as possible. I enjoy being with a friend or two but put me in a room full of people and I am ready to go home. Many of the activities I enjoy are solitary, and I cannot remember ever asking anyone to come out and support anything I do.

I love these people and feel like I have to start going to their gigs. I can tell them how great they sounded. And I know the whole time I will be wishing I was home. Any advice on how to proceed?

– Friend of the Band

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Dear Friend: Good on you for trying to show up and support your friends, and good on you, in advance, for advocating for what you need and staying home when it suits you.

When giving a performance, or running a marathon, or really anything that would be enriched by an audience, it’s important to right-size the expectation around support. Some friends and members are very willing to show up whenever and wherever to cheer us on. And that’s great. Others, like you, might find that they’re just not the right audience. And it’s fine to give what you can – attendance at a few gigs – without overextending yourself.

Your friends presumably formed the band for the joy of playing. And part of that joy comes from being seen. It’s healthy for them to remember that not everyone they love or care about will be their target audience. And that people can cheer them on from home.

In the past, when I’ve written to people who’ve felt an obligation to support a loved one’s creative endeavors (or written to a loved one who is feeling unsupported), some readers have responded that it’s always our duty to show up and support. After decades of public performances in other areas of my life, I see support as more multi-faceted. I want to perform for people who want to be there, and I understand if it’s not the right gig, venue or even day for someone else.

Try to address the pressure you’re feeling head on, in a non-charged way. “I’m excited you found this, and I think your music is really great. Coming to live shows is hard for me, but I hope you know that it doesn’t diminish how proud I am!” And even if you don’t show, the best advertisement is word-of-mouth, so tell someone else who would really enjoy a night out.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at


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