Asking Eric: Is it goody-two-shoe’s responsibility to fix relationship with alcoholic sister?

Dear Eric: My sister suffers from alcoholism and drug addiction from way back. I am the exact opposite of her in almost every way – rarely drink, never do drugs. She perceives me to be a “goody-two-shoes,” and I was given a nickname of “miss maturity” by her and other siblings. It was not a positive nickname.

She is my only sister. I will do, and have done, anything I can think of to be her support. I want her in my life whatever that takes, whatever that means.

She is currently in the hospital in very bad shape. I fear that she is at death’s door.

She will not answer my calls or texts (she does for others). I have sent texts to her apologizing for anything that upset her and remind her how much I love her, think about her and pray for her.

One of my brothers says I should just let it go. Part of me agrees with that and I haven’t reached out in a few weeks. The other part of me thinks I will deeply regret not reaching out to her before she passes, if she passes soon.

I’m so torn up. It’s very reflective of our relationship for the past 50 years. I’m always confused. I’m always torn up. I never have a good idea on what to do. Do you have any advice?

– Scorned Sister

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Dear Sister: I’m sorry that your sister is struggling and I’m sorry that you’re suffering, too. This difficult dynamic would be hard to navigate had it just popped up, but having to deal with it for 50 years must have been awful.

Try to grant yourself some grace here. You’ve taken on a lot of the responsibility for fixing the relationship you have with your sister. This could simply be how your personalities work, but it has some of the hallmarks of a codependency that can develop in families where one or more members suffers from addiction. You’re overcompensating for the things that your sister won’t or can’t give you. This isn’t something wrong with you, but it is a dynamic that’s not serving you.

There is no crime in being a “goody two-shoes” and yet her behavior has you apologizing. She likely has some old resentment against you that’s not really about you. And so, unfortunately, it’s also not something that you can solve for her.

Putting some distance between you is a wise idea. You may be helped by Melody Beattie’s book “The Language of Letting Go” or by visiting an Al-Anon or SMART Family Recovery meeting to help process your feelings. Reach out to one of your brothers about arranging a visit with your sister, to put your mind and heart at ease. An in-person visit may not turn out to be all that you need, but it may help you to reframe your way of thinking about this relationship. You’ve done what you can – more than you can. You haven’t failed your sister.

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