Asking Eric: Mom considers leaving estranged kids money in her will, making stepdad increasingly angry

To Eric, I recently turned eighty, as did my spouse. Despite our good health, we started discussing estate planning. At first, this seemed like a simple solution because we each have two children from past marriages. We thought that the remainder of our assets would be split equally amongst our children after thinking about giving to nonprofit organizations.

The problem is as follows: My husband and his two kids get along great, but in recent years, we have grown apart. I want to offer my kids a tiny gift because it would show them how much I still care about them and how much I cherish them.

With every holiday and year that goes by, my spouse gets more and more upset with my kids. “If they didn’t care for me when I was alive, don’t pretend to care in my death,” he says, implying that they don’t deserve anything.

However, I believe that doing so would be cruel and vengeful. Would you please provide some words that would be helpful in this situation?

Divided Succession

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To Inheritance, It’s useful to keep in mind that you and your spouse have different relationships with your children, even while you are, quite rightly, navigating life together, including what happens after you are gone. This is not to imply that your relationship succeeds because it is the most established and genetically linked.

However, you have different stakes than he does. He is permitted to be angry and frustrated with them. Receiving a supportive yet assertive viewpoint on this matter from a loved one is likely beneficial for you. Even though your relationship with your children is alienated, it is unique in their lives and in the globe. The fact that it is alienated may make it much more so. You are the only one who can determine what you want this legacy to represent for your children, therefore you must handle it specifically. He might have to come to terms with a choice he doesn’t like. Fixing that for him is not your problem.

Naturally, the purpose of inheritance is to outlive us, but many people also use it to speak for us when we are unable to. This becomes complex. Money mumbles, but it speaks. Therefore, I would also advise talking to your kids before you leave, even if it’s just to let them know that the money is meant to serve as a reminder that you still think about them and that you wish things were different.

For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at ateric@askingeric.com or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.

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