Asking Eric: ‘Nonna’ #1 gets very upset when she hears kids calling ex’s girlfriend ‘Nonna’ too

To Eric, I’ve been divorced from my ex-husband for over 20 years. We meet at family events and treat each other with the same courtesy and friendliness as I show his fiancée, who goes to all of them.

We didn’t get married again. Although they don’t live together, he and this woman have been together for many years.

My ex wanted the family to call his girlfriend Nonna when our sons (a boy and a girl, now 9) were born. Our sons quickly dispelled that notion, claiming that their kids have a grandma and that, out of respect for their mother and especially to avoid confusing the kids, they would call his girlfriend by her first name.

Recently, my daughter-in-law and I were talking about my 9-year-old grandson who was in the backyard with his father and 6-year-old sibling while we were visiting one of my sons for an afternoon visit. During the chat, my DIL was sharing a comment made by my grandson regarding my ex-husband’s girlfriend, whom he called Nonna.

I asked right away if he was now calling his grandfather’s lover Nonna. Neither he nor anybody else in the family had ever done so before. “Yes,” she said.

I replied right away that I didn’t feel comfortable with that and that it truly irritates me because I am obviously still alive. (And don’t make any plans to travel anytime soon.)

I would like to know whether there is an unspoken norm that applies to grandmothers who are still alive and have lovely relationships with their grandchildren and their grandfather’s girlfriends who wish to share that unique title. (Incidentally, the girlfriend in question is already over her own grandchildren.)

Nonna Carissima

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R. Eric Thomas

Update: Damaging winds and penny-sized hail predicted with thunderstorms to hit Baker and Malheur counties Saturday

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To Nonna, please: The issue with unwritten norms is that—you got it—they aren’t documented in writing, so circumstances and time tend to change them. Your son and daughter-in-law respected your explicit preference, but for some reason, things have changed.

I can’t say for sure, of course, but it’s possible that your grandson has begun to refer to grandmother figures in general as Nonnas and is using the phrase as a general term rather than as a name that specifically describes you. It would have spared some distress if any of the adults involved had offered an option (Oh, I’m Nonna Stephanie, or whatever). However, they didn’t in some way.

Therefore, make an effort to reframe the current situation. Your bond with your grandchild is still exceptional and one-of-a-kind. You won’t be forgotten or replaced. I am aware that the name holds great value for you, but keep in mind that, like with Grandma, Grammy, or any other name, he will always be able to tell which one he is referring to when he uses it, and that each relationship’s past, present, and future will always be unique.

For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at ateric@askingeric.com or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.

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