Asking Eric: Old friend goes to great lengths to find out how childhood bestie died

Dear Eric: Via complete happenstance I have recently become aware of my oldest friend’s death about a year ago. Mary and I grew up across the street from one another in the ’60s and ’70s. I played with her and with her older brother as kids, and our families were close.

She had been my friend for about 60 years.

I have been desperate to learn the circumstances of her death. I have googled my brains out and followed up every lead. There are no obituaries available online, and no death notices, either. There are no newspaper articles about her death.

Her attorney’s secretary won’t let me talk to him, citing attorney-client confidentiality, even though she is deceased, and he withdrew himself from representing her upon her death. The heir of her estate will not return my calls. I can’t even nail down where she died so I can file a Freedom of Information Act request with the appropriate law enforcement agencies.

I don’t have a claim on her estate. I have no ulterior motive whatsoever. I just want to know what happened to my old friend. I have tried everything I know. I was hoping that you might have some ideas.

– Friend in the Dark

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Dear Friend: You have my sympathies – it can be so difficult to learn of a friend’s passing and not have the closure afforded by a service, a conversation or more information.

It’s possible that Mary’s heir and/or her family want to keep the circumstances of her death private. It’s also possible that there isn’t much to know and, were you to discover it, it wouldn’t give you the peace you’re seeking.

Some of this pursuit is probably motivated by grief. That makes sense. And it’s perfectly natural to want to know more details about a loved one’s death. But details won’t serve you as much as finding a way to commemorate the relationship that you had and the life that she lived.

Take some time to focus on her, maybe on a walk in nature or someplace that held special meaning to you both. Thank her for being a part of your life and wish her well on her journey. The “how” of her death matters, but the details of her life and your relationship matter more and will help sustain you through your grief.

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