Asking Eric: Single mom is done hosting de facto joint birthday party for son, niece

To Eric, Both my niece and son will shortly turn thirteen. A week separated their births. For my son’s birthday, I generally throw a family pool party, but my brother and his wife don’t throw a family celebration for their daughter. (They also have a pool in their lovely yard.)

Rather than inviting family, they throw a party for her and her pals. Family members bring gifts for their daughter’s birthday when they attend my son’s celebration, and I feel as though my son must share his birthday with his cousin each year.

As my brother and his spouse do not provide financial assistance or assist with preparation, serving, cooking, or cleanup, I am effectively hosting their daughter’s party as well.

They agreed when I proposed combining parties a few years ago, but my mother forbid me from asking them to help because I had more people than they did. When my sister-in-law tried to give me money, I told her this, and instead of arguing, she gladly returned the money to her pocketbook. They earn more than I do. I’m a single-income divorced mother. How can I let my niece know that I don’t want to share my son’s birthday with them, even though I know it’s not her fault?

Feeling Utilized and Frustrated

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To Frustrated, Despite her good intentions, your mother’s decree did not assist. Why she feels the need to be involved in this at all is beyond me. Your sister-in-law and you are both adults; how the expenses are divided is none of her business.

And if this has evolved into a de facto shared party over time, it makes sense that you bear some of the burden. It wouldn’t be shocking to discover that your entire family saw this as your son and niece’s celebration after more than ten years of doing this. Resuming the talk with your brother and sister-in-law, accepting the situation as it is, and cooperating to find a solution is perfectly acceptable.

Additionally, reassure your mother not to worry about any questions or worries she may have.

The idea that this celebration may be about to change is something else you might want to think about. Discuss with your son his preferred method of celebration. Perhaps he is also very excited for a gathering that is focused on his pals. That may be a lot of fun and very healthy for him. However, I would let the family know if you do change it so they can modify their expectations and nobody accuses you of undercutting your niece.

For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at ateric@askingeric.com or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.

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