Can I break the dysfunctional family cycle with my 2 kids? Parenting Q&A

Dear Meghan:

I come from a dysfunctional family where everyone is high achieving, but no one is close to one another. Growing up, emotional well-being and relationship building were not valued, only grades and achievements. Even now, what’s important to my family are superficial things like jobs, titles, looking good in a holiday picture, etc.

No one really checks in when there is emotional struggle — like when I was going through an incident that caused me tremendous heartache. I’m not close with my sibling, and none of my cousins is close to their siblings.

Now I have two children, ages 12 and 6, and I try to do things differently by giving them each what they need emotionally. I want to help them have a close relationship with each other. They love each other and do what siblings typically do (play and argue). It is also worth mentioning that my 12-year-old boy has autism and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and struggles with social interactions. My 6-year-old girl is neurotypical.

How do I guide them so they are emotionally high functioning but also have a great relationship with each other?

– Breaking a Cycle

Breaking a Cycle:

You can be an effective parent even if you don’t fully heal from your own childhood wounds. But to be a more present, more compassionate and stronger leader of your family, you have to face and begin healing from these lacks and losses of your own childhood.

For better or worse, psychological pain doesn’t have an expiration date, and the anxiety from your own childhood will hinder you from seeing your children clearly. Parenting from a place of prevention is exhausting and unproductive, so diving into therapy for yourself is a two for one: you release yourself from the bondage of not feeling seen and heard as a child, and you are able to more clearly tune into your own children and their needs. And yes, that’s all easier said than done.

Your own healing can and should run parallel to understanding and leading your own children. You’ve already clocked that you can’t mimic the way you were parented, but the next crucial step is to separate fact from myth. For instance, you want your children to be emotionally high functioning, but what does this actually mean?

I suggest hiring a parent coach or picking up some developmental books to help you match your expectation with reality. You may find, for example, that the tussles your children have fall into the range of typical, even given age and neurodivergence differences.

Clarifying and reassessing what you see throughout your parenting life helps you focus on real problems — not imaginary, anxiety –created problems.

As you clarify what is developmentally appropriate behavior for your children, you can also change your goal from your kids having a “great relationship” to them learning emotional regulation and problem-solving. Sibling (and all human) relationships are sticky and ever-changing, so you can’t make them “great.” You can model and teach your children how to identify their emotions, how to react to them (yes, even for the ADHD child) and how to repair relationships when a rupture has occurred.

These skills are a lifelong process that mature with time and support, so it is a daily parenting commitment. I find this way of thinking much more relaxing; we don’t have to be perfect every day, we simply need to commit to doing the work long-term.

Part of this commitment to the work of parenting means stepping strongly into your leadership role. Often, being a parent means giving your kids a sense of security even when you aren’t sure of your next step. Yes, learning about our emotional lives is a skill to be taught and learned, but it must happen in a strong relationship. Look at your leadership and relationships with your kids as the container in which all of this work happens. No security means no learning.

One way you can keep your leadership strong is by creating a community to support your learning and path forward. Because you presumably don’t have a PhD in autism and ADHD, assemble some people to help you understand your child’s behavior and use databased techniques that are more likely to work.

For instance, your son may dig in and become defiant when faced with consequences or feeling pushed, so learning how and when to hold boundaries and teach skills is critical for you to learn. And since each child is different (including neurodivergent children) and matures at different paces, having a grounded community and mentors will buoy you as you navigate the changes.

It’s more than OK to want your kids to have a meaningful sibling relationship, but remember: You are not responsible for your children’s relationship. You are simply not that powerful. You are responsible for not favoring one child over another and for meeting their individual needs while allowing resilience to grow. Life is too unpredictable to guarantee anything, so focus on your own healing, understanding your children and being a strong leader. Good luck.

Meghan Leahy is the mother of three daughters and the author of “Parenting Outside the Lines.” Send a question about parenting to

onparenting@washpost.com

, and it may show up in a future column.

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