Dear Abby: I moved 2000 miles to be closer to grandkids, but DIL makes me feel like an outsider

Greetings, Abby Moving 2,000 miles across the nation to be nearer to my grandchildren was a bad error on my part.

My son and daughter-in-law have always treated the other grandparents better, in my experience. The parents of my daughter-in-law are treated like royalty. They plan trips together, snap pictures, and share the memorable grandchild-grandparent experiences on Facebook.

I do the same things with the grandchildren, but no one snaps pictures. My daughter-in-law constantly rushes them to do something else, which makes it difficult to do things with them. She seems to want her parents to be the only ones have a unique bond with the grandchildren.

Every single day I feel nauseous.

I missed out on a lot of things in the past since I was unable to take time off work to visit like the other grandparents. I believed that by relocating here, I would no longer feel alienated from my grandchildren.

I am still employed and unmarried, and even though this caused a significant upheaval in my life, I felt that the satisfaction of being a more active grandparent outweighed the sacrifice. However, not much has changed. What are your thoughts? THE BEST IN TENNESSEE

DEAR OUTSIDER: Your description of a sick feeling could be anxiousness. You ought to talk to your son about this. It would have been beneficial to know whether you spoke with him and his wife about your potential move to Tennessee to get their opinion before I made any decisions. Or did you just make your arrival known? Shame on them if they approved of the proposal yet left you out.

If they are willing, family counseling could assist resolve the conflict. Consider moving somewhere where you are wanted and not as alone if they aren’t and you can’t have the kind of bond you want with your grandchildren.

Stories by

Abigail Van Buren

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Greetings, Abby Sometimes, when I express I’m sorry to someone for a bad circumstance they’re going through, they will reply, “It’s not your fault,” or “There’s no need to apologize.”

Today, it occurred once more. “Sorry” is defined as an expression of regret or sadness. It’s not necessarily an expression of regret. I find this kind of response to be humiliating, awkward, and even demeaning.

Kindly request that your readers interpret the statement as intended. Usually, it’s clear if the speaker is expressing regret or empathy for your predicament. — REPENTING IN THE WEST

Please accept my apologies: In general, everyone has their own pet peeves. Even though this is your reaction, I doubt that one letter in my column will convince many people to quit doing it.

The next time it occurs, TELL the person that you were only expressing sympathy and not offering an apology. The person is less likely to take offense if you say it with a smile.

Abigail Van Buren, better known as Jeanne Phillips, is the author of Dear Abby. Her mother, Pauline Phillips, began the company. For more information, visit www.DearAbby.com or send an email to P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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