Dear Annie: I know we can’t fix stepson’s addiction, but cutting him off feels like giving up

We have paid his rent when he was evicted, assisted him in several recovery programs, and even once provided bail to get him out of jail. Getty PicturesGetty Pictures

To Annie, please: After more than a decade of marriage to a lovely man, I have come to love his son as if he were my own. Brian, my 28-year-old stepson, has battled drug addiction for the whole of his adult life. We have paid his rent when he was evicted, assisted him in several recovery programs, and even once provided bail to get him out of jail. I have prayed for him every night, driven him to meetings, and held him when he cried.

However, nothing appears to alter for very long. For a while, he fulfills his pledges to do better, but then he relapses, and the cycle starts over. He phones me at all hours requesting money, sometimes using untrue stories. I make an effort to establish limits, but the guilt consumes me. What if he is actually in danger this time? What if I wasn’t there to support him and something happened to him?

Even if my spouse is exhausted, he is more adept at putting his emotions aside. Brian still reminds me of the young child who only wants to be loved. Cutting off contact with him feels like giving up on someone I love, even though I know I can’t change him. Stepmom is in pain.

To Hurting, Enabling someone is not the same as loving them. Although you have gone above and beyond, Brian must decide to face the battle of addiction. It isn’t helping to give him money, protect him from punishment, and be on call all the time. It is preventing him from recovering from his illness.

Establish kind yet strong boundaries. Inform him that you would help him overcome his addiction, not his addiction. This isn’t going to stop. It is providing him with the best opportunity to be independent.

Additionally, don’t work alone. Seek assistance for yourself from a counselor who is knowledgeable about addiction or from Al Anon. You also need strength.

To Annie, please: Thank you very much for your Memorial Day message. I work at a veterinary clinic as a therapist. Most of the veterans I see have served in combat. Each of them has lost a loved one in battle. Even though Memorial Day is not about that, the week before the holiday is dominated by conversations about how they will deal with someone thanking them for their service and how they will respect their losses and suffering. In addition, they want to enjoy the barbecues and pay tribute to their family.

You wrote the ideal message. We all worry that when the conflicts come to an end, our culture may lose sight of our losses and the significance of Memorial Day. I appreciate you remembering the significance. May you and yours be blessed. — Paying Tribute to Lost Troops

To Those Who Remember Lost Troops: Expressing thanks to our heroes who sacrificed their lives for our nation is one of the most essential things we can do. Your letter is particularly important to this column since it is truly amazing that you are a therapist to veterans, almost all of whom have lost comrades in battle. Thank you.

For Annie Lane, send inquiries to dearannie@creators.com.

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