Dear Annie: Is my boyfriend’s avoidance of getting together in person a sign our relationship is over?

To Annie, please: I don’t want to question the obvious, but is my relationship truly history? Your perspective on this would be incredibly helpful because I’m afraid I’m in denial and can’t let go.

My boyfriend and I have been together for fourteen years. Our distance from one another is fifteen minutes. He is widowed, I am divorced, and both of us have grown sons, mine at age 31 and his at age 40. In their late teens, both lost a parent.

He knows my family, but I’ve never met his son or any of his friends or relatives in all this time. The main reason my son dislikes him is that I’ve been excluded, which he finds rude. According to my lover, he had an abusive father and dislikes both of his siblings and their families. He refuses to introduce me to his only true buddy. He told me he liked his privacy when I questioned why. Even though I put it down to his eccentricities, I thought it was strange.

Every night, we would spend hours on the phone. Even though we haven’t had a falling out, it’s been eight months since our last encounter. Sometimes, he goes silent for a week or two. We simply continued talking on the phone after I told him I missed him.

I now feel as like I’m wasting my time on someone I love who obviously doesn’t share my sentiments. I’m not good at letting go, but I don’t want to be just his phone buddy. What are your thoughts? — Continued to Hold On

Dear Waiting: When something we’ve put a lot of effort into and want to succeed has reached the end, it can be hard to accept. Even though it’s difficult to acknowledge, it seems that this connection has ended for some time, and it’s time to accept it completely and sever ties.

You have been with a man for well over ten years, and he has never introduced you to anyone in his life. He has kept you at arm’s length in every way, notwithstanding his distance from family. And now, after eight months of not seeing each other, he still avoids you the majority of the time and only interacts with you when he feels like it. He has shown you exactly where you stand, whether he intends to or not.

It’s difficult to let go, but what do you really have left to cling to? The answer is already known to you. This isn’t love, and you most definitely don’t deserve this relationship. It will be more difficult for your heart to go on the longer you wait to accept that.

To Annie, please: Dylan and I have been dating for about two years. Except for avoiding conflict like the plague, he is flawless. He either shuts down, shifts the topic, or tries to make a joke out of it if I bring up anything even remotely awkward, like the fact that anything he said offended me.

I initially dismissed it as him being easygoing, but it’s beginning to feel more like emotional detachment. He always responds that he understands when I tell him that I require open communication in a committed relationship, but nothing truly changes.

I don’t want to spend my entire life avoiding his feelings, but I also don’t want to push him into in-depth conversations if that’s not how he’s wired. How can I tell if this is a more serious issue or just a difference in communication style? — Feeling excluded

To Feeling, Shut Out: In any mature relationship, discussing issues is essential, therefore if Dylan isn’t able to do so, he should at least try to learn how. If he’s willing to improve, you’ll notice subtle but consistent indicators, such as him remaining present throughout difficult conversations, following up, or even acknowledging when he’s uncomfortable. Tell him how his answers (or lack thereof) make you feel.

You’re not dealing with a quirk if he continues to dodge and deflect instead. You’re battling emotional inaccessibility.

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