Dear Annie: My 90-year-old mom calls me 10-20 times a day with lists of complaints and criticisms

Dear Annie: My mother has always been a challenging person — very critical and negative — but it has gotten worse since my father passed in 2019. I have an older brother who abused me since childhood and then disowned my mother when she wouldn’t give him control of all her money. Now I’m all she has.

She refuses to go out, meet people, etc. She calls me 10-20 times a day and every conversation is a litany of complaints and criticisms. I tell her frequently that I can’t stand all the negativity, but instead of making an effort to stop, she plays the guilt card and tells me how terrible her life is and how all she does is sit alone and cry! She is turning 90 this year and is in great health after surviving Stage 4 cancer in her 60s. Thank God my father left her well taken care of. Yet, despite this, all she sees are clouds.

How do I continue to care for my mother without letting her make my life as dark as she sees hers? — Dutiful Son

Dear Dutiful Son: As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. You can offer your mother your support, but it’s up to her whether she’ll accept it and try to climb out of the hole she feels stuck in. You don’t have to sacrifice your peace to shoulder all her burdens — that’s not your job, and it’s not fair.

Set limits where you need to. That might mean reducing the number of calls you take a day, ending draining conversations or gently changing the subject when she starts on a tangent. Your mother is lucky to have you, and it’s clear how much you care. Just don’t forget to care for yourself, too.

It’s also worth mentioning that, based on what you’ve shared here, your mother may be depressed. Her physical health might be in great shape, but her mental health clearly needs attention. A good first step is encouraging her to see a doctor, who can help identify what’s impacting her mindset so much and ways to help treat it.

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