Dear Annie: My wife has completely checked out of our marriage. I can’t go on like this

To Annie, please: I am a 48-year-old man who has been married to my lovely wife for 21 years. We have spent many happy years together and reside in Canada, but last year, when we began to experience severe financial strain, everything started to fall apart. Since then, she has withdrawn both physically and emotionally, and the arguments have increased in frequency.

She started avoiding closeness for a month at a period, and then for two. After a particularly furious argument on Valentine’s Day, she declared her intention to discipline me. Since then, there hasn’t been any physical closeness for more than six months. She won’t be touched, and every time I’ve tried to get back in touch with her, she’s been aloof.

Even more painful is the fact that she appears at ease engaging in physical intimacy with her sister’s spouse, something I have expressed serious reservations about. She completely disregarded my feelings when I brought it up.

She doesn’t appear depressed or distressed about the status of our marriage, has refused counseling, and won’t talk to mutual friends who volunteered to mediate. As a result of the mental and physical distance, I am the one experiencing anxiety and depression.

I’m wondering now if I should give her the divorce papers. She seems to have checked herself out of the relationship already. It feels like a betrayal that she is happy without me. Is it incorrect for me to interpret this as emotional desertion? Feeling excluded in Canada

Dear Canada’s Shut Out: Emotional abandonment is exactly what you are going through. It is unhealthy to withhold intimacy for months at a period, especially as a form of punishment. You’ve made an effort to communicate, offered counseling, and even sought assistance from others. She has rejected every attempt.

Marriages cannot be repaired by one person. It hurts that she feels comfortable showing physical affection to other people while rejecting you, and you have every right to feel excluded and perplexed.

Before you file for divorce, consider whether you can continue living this way if nothing changes. It could be time to move on if the response is negative and she continues to avoid interaction. Without a connection, a marriage isn’t really a marriage.

For Annie Lane, send inquiries to dearannie@creators.com.

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