Dear Annie: Should my parents have spoken up 15 years ago before I married a man they didn’t trust?

Dear Annie: I’m 45 and trying to move forward after the end of a 15-year marriage that left me emotionally and financially depleted. In my early 20s, I was an ambitious, college-educated overachiever who fell in love with a charming, carefree man. He had no real goals, had flunked out of college and was working part-time in fast food. But I believed in his potential and poured my energy into helping him get on his feet.

It took years, but eventually he found a stable full-time job with room to grow. I was proud when he hit a six-figure salary, even though I had shaped my career around supporting his, especially once we had kids. During the pandemic, I stepped away from work entirely to stay home while he continued climbing.

Then, two months ago, he left — just walked out and moved back in with his parents. To make things worse, he now talks as if his success was entirely self-made, and he speaks condescendingly about the fact that I’m not currently working. Meanwhile, I’m left with a resume full of gaps, a tight job market and the painful reality of splitting time with our children.

My parents recently admitted they always had concerns about him and wish they had said something back then. I told them not to blame themselves, but deep down, I think I would have listened if they had spoken up. Their opinion mattered more than I let on.

So here’s my question: Is it ever appropriate for parents to voice concern about who their adult children are dating — especially when they see red flags early on? I’m not talking about control, just an honest conversation before things get serious. Can speaking up make a difference, or is it better to stay silent and let life teach the lesson? — Wiser Now and Wondering

Dear Wiser and Wondering: Yes, it’s appropriate — when done with care. A parent’s loving honesty, shared gently and respectfully, can plant a seed. You can’t choose for them, but you can give them something to think about.

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