Why Tho? I feel like neighbor’s ‘gift’ of raspberries comes with a hefty implication

To Lizzy,

I was given a flat of raspberries by some neighbors a number of years ago. When that happened, I was making jam, so I was being good neighbors and threw in their berries and handed them a jar when I was finished. They later gushed about the jam, so I knew they loved it. The man still resides on my street with a new woman, but the couple is no longer together.

He said, “I’ll make you a deal,” and gave me a flat of raspberries a few weeks ago. If you make me jam, you can have these berries.

I merely smiled and accepted the berries at the time, but I could tell he wasn’t kidding. I then forced him to jam, but the more I did it, the more irate I became. I’m now unsure about whether I should have said something at the time or when I dropped off the jam. I thought he was out of line.

I believe it’s important to note that I’m a woman and that, although I do make jam occasionally, I don’t do it frequently.

Not a Factory for Jams

Greetings, Not a Jam Factory

Whoa. It takes so much work to make jam! It was quite considerate of you to make this neighbor jam years ago, and he is completely unworthy to think that just because you made him jam once, you may make jam everytime he grows berries.

Furthermore, that isn’t how a deal operates. It’s a deal if you two genuinely discussed jam and came up with a plan during a casual conversation, like on the sidewalk. It is not acceptable to show you berries and insist that you make jam out of them. That circumstance is more akin to fruit coercion.

The jam is in the jar, though, as you say. What are you able to do then?

There’s a part of me that says you should buy a jar of raspberry jam from the store, give it to him, and keep the homemade stuff for yourself. Let’s assume, however, that we are not being petty and that we are attempting to preserve the neighborly relationship, which is essential to your daily security and comfort.

When you drop off the jam, I don’t think you should say anything to your neighbor. You can say, “Here you go!” in a kind of detached yet nice manner. Don’t say that you like to make jam or that you hope he likes it.

However, telling him that he was completely inappropriate to suggest that you make him jam won’t unmake the jam and will probably lead to some conflict between you and your neighbor.

In a very technical sense, it’s also delivering contradictory messages; anyone can ask you anything, and you have the option to respond positively or negatively. You said yes when you accepted the fruit and made the jam. Although it irritates me, you are somewhat to blame for this circumstance. Women are socialized to politely accept berries from males at the door by the culture, but we should never forget that we do not have to.

Therefore, don’t say anything this time, but you must say no if he ever knocks on your door again with berries. Just chuckle and say, “Thank you, but no, I just don’t have time to make jam!” This doesn’t need to be a huge thing. which, given how intricate and time-consuming the procedure is, is essentially always the case.

As you return the berries, feel free to contribute. Have fun with your berries! I can email you the recipe if you want to create your own jam.

I wish you luck!

Lizzy

Do you have a pressing question? My email address is atlacker@oregonian.com. Alternatively, you may use this Google form to ask me a question in complete anonymity.

See Why Tho? for additional information.

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